What If...?
by Jane Westin
Summary: If fanfic authors ruled the movies...


The Marie/Logan Ending 

Summary: If fanfic authors ruled the movies…

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anyone, but I wish I did. J

**Author's Note:** Just a few little funnies I was messing around with. Bon appetit. J

What If…?

By Jane Westin

** **

The Marie/Logan Ending 

MARIE: Logan, you're back!

LOGAN: Yes, Marie, five minutes into my journey I realized I can't live without you.

MARIE: But what about Jean?

LOGAN: Who?

MARIE: But what about your past?

LOGAN: Forget the past! Let's share the future!

MARIE: But I'm only seventeen!

LOGAN: No, you're not! You see, when I brought you back to life, you also took six years of my age! 

MARIE: Look! I can control my mutation!

LOGAN: That means I can touch you!

MARIE: Isn't it funny how everything worked out in the end!

LOGAN: I've never used so many exclamation points in my life!

MARIE: I love you!

LOGAN: I love you too!_ (They kiss, get married, have little mutant children, and all the M/L 'shippers rejoice.)_

The Jean/Logan Ending 

JEAN: I think she's a little taken with you.

LOGAN: Well, you can tell her my heart belongs to someone else.

_(He looks at Jean seductively. She falls into his arms.)_

JEAN: Oh, Logan!

_(They kiss, get married, have little mutant children, and all the J/L 'shippers rejoice.)_

M/L 'SHIPPERS: We don't like that ending!

The Scott/Logan Ending 

JEAN: I think she's a little taken with you.

LOGAN: Well, you can tell her my heart belongs to someone else.

JEAN: Who?

LOGAN: Scott.

SCOTT: I love you, Logan!

LOGAN: I love you too, Scooter!

AUDIENCE: Huh?

The Angsty Ending 

MARIE: Logan, there's something I haven't told you. I'm dying of cancer.

LOGAN: What?

MARIE: And I miscarried your baby.

LOGAN: But we never even—

MARIE: I want your face to be the last thing I see.

_(She swallows a bottle of sleeping pills and collapses in his arms.)_

MARIE: Logan, I—I love you.

(She dies. LOGAN'S manly façade crumbles and he breaks down and sobs. So does the AUDIENCE.)

The Crossover Ending 

MARIE: You runnin' again?

LOGAN: Yeah, I'm going to go look for my past.__

_(A wormhole opens near the door and SCULLY and MULDER slide through.)_

MULDER: Wow, where are we? Last I checked, we were talking to that hot chick with the weird name.

SCULLY: Did you notice they _all had weird names, Mulder? _

_(She gives MULDER The Significant Look.)_

MULDER: Quinn, Wade, Arturo, Rembrandt…My God, Scully, you're right! I think we may be onto something!

LOGAN: Another redhead!

_(MARIE suddenly looks very depressed.)_

PROF X: Welcome to Xavier's School.

MULDER: Hey, it's the guy we met on the "Enterprise!"

SCULLY: Mulder, there's no such thing as mutants. 

The Jubilee Ending 

LOGAN: I'm off to find my past. Here, take my dog tags.

MARIE: I'll miss you!

JUBILEE: Hey, how come I only get a bit part?

The Scooby-Doo Ending 

MARIE: You runnin' again?

LOGAN: Yes! _(He looks around furtively) I have to get out of here!_

PROF X: Oh no you don't! _(He uses his psychic powers to freeze Logan in his tracks) _Now let's see who you _really are!_

AUDIENCE: This ending is so overdone.

_(PROF X rips off Logan's mask.)_

ALL: _MYSTIQUE?_

MARIE (_musing): Why would a shape-shifter need a mask?_

MYSTIQUE: Because I wanted the money!

PROF X: You're a thief!

MYSTIQUE: I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you darn kids!

MARIE: This ending is stupid.

LOGAN_ (stepping into the scene with an annoyed look on his face): Yeah, and badly thought out. Where's the real me?_

MYSTIQUE: Let's just cut this ending short.

AUDIENCE: Thank God.

The Plot-Twist Ending 

MARIE: You runnin' again?

LOGAN: Yes.

MARIE: But Logan, I love you!

LOGAN: Well, Marie, I have a confession to make.

MARIE: What?

LOGAN: I'm married with six children.

MARIE and JEAN: _WHAT?!_

LOGAN: Yeah. Oh, and also, I'm an international spy.

PROF X_ (getting up and making a run for the door): Oh no!_

_(Everyone gawks at him.)_

LOGAN: Not so fast! *handcuffing PROF X to his wheelchair* You're under arrest for drug smuggling.

MARIE: Huh?

LOGAN: Where do you think all this money comes from? It's not like you people have real jobs.

The Mary Sue Ending (narrative)

As Logan bid Marie adieu, suddenly everyone's eyes were drawn to the presence at the front doors of the mansion. Standing in the foyer was the most beautiful person any of them had ever laid eyes on. She was tall and blond and well-endowed and seemed to radiate positive energy. "Hello," she purred, gazing at them with her glowingly bright green eyes. "My name is Heather." 

It turned out that Heather was a mutant and had all the X-Men's powers combined. Also, she spoke fluent Spanish. Men wanted her! Women wanted to _be her! _

Actually, everyone hated her, and they all breathed a collective sigh of relief when she left to go save some other unfortunate planet.

**The Hippie Ending**

LOGAN: I gotta go, man. I gotta go save the whales and shit.

MARIE: Dude, I thought you had to, like, go find your past, and shit.

LOGAN (_very seriously): We gotta think of the big picture, man. _

MARIE (_nodding, just as seriously_): Yeah, whales are pretty big.

_(They smoke some pot.)___

LOGAN: So, like, bye, and shit.

MARIE: Later, man.__

** **

The Wizard of Oz Ending 

GOOD WITCH: But Logan, you've always been able to find your past. All you have to do is click your heels together three times and say "There's no place like Alkali Lake."

LOGAN (_clicking his heels together): I feel like a pansy._

The Jackie Chan Ending 

MARIE: Logan, you can't leave. I—I love you!

LOGAN: But I have to.

MARIE: HII-YAA! 

The Therapist Ending 

LOGAN: I have to go find my past.

MARIE: How do you feel about that, Logan?

LOGAN: I'm okay with it.

MARIE: "Okay" isn't a feeling word, Logan.

LOGAN: Yes it is. See? "I feel fine. Okay?"

MARIE: Maybe this relates back to an event in your childhood, Logan.

LOGAN: But I don't _remember my childhood. _

MARIE: Ah, now we're getting somewhere, Logan.

LOGAN: You're making me really mad here, Marie.

MARIE: When we want to express a sentiment like that, Logan, we don't start the sentence with "You." We say "When you…I feel." No one can _make you feel anything, Logan._

LOGAN: I'm outta here.

MARIE (_running after him): But Logan…how do you feel about that?_

**The Ending Ending**

LOGAN: _Now what do you want us to do?_

MARIE (_looking exhausted): We'll do anything you want! Just let us go home!_

LOGAN: Yeah, it's really about time for this fanfiction to end.

JANE: Okay.

(_Everybody goes home and takes a nap.)_

**The End.**

** **


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